NO.FUCKEN.PATIENCE.TODAY! ! !

Today I am just a total nutcase. Can it be that my monthly visitor is coming? Um, no. That came & went about 2 weeks ago. Can't be that.
Coffee? I already had my fix today. can't survive without that one.
Then what can it be?
NO.CLUE.WHY!?!?
But today I am just whacko! Crazy. Loca. Hysterical screaming maniac with close to zero patience, all for no apparent reason. And the ladies are being no angels either, making it that much more difficult.
So add my crazy self + 2 kids.... Ugh!

They're just kids
Kids being kids.
Why is that throwing me so much off my rocker today?
Why all the screaming? (from my part)
Again, repeat... they're just kids.

Yes, they are just making a mess EVERYWHERE!
They are just fighting with each other constantly, screaming & crying abounds in this house.
They are just leaving food in the living room ( because later their maid will just magically appear & pick up after them when they are very much capable of doing that themselves at their ripe ages of 7 & 9. Why do they not understand that?)
They are just watching tv, even after I've told them twice to turn it off until they do their part in helping me out with their chores.
They are just turning off the a/c, which in turn made me get more hot & cranky, because yes, I know, you're cold. Well hello????? How can you not be cold if you're just sitting there doing nothing. Of course you're gonna be cold. How about getting up and joining me in doing some of the sweeping, vacuuming, mopping, dusting, etc. you know, getting up off your little tiny ass & joining in all the fun mommy does all by herself day in and day out, just to repeat the whole process all over again when you decide to just be your usual self & not pick up after yourself.
And then that's when I also get mad.
But at myself.
It was MY job to teach them to pick up after themselves. Yet they don't.
It was MY job to teach them to be responsible & do their chores. Yet they don't.
It was MY job to teach them to do their part, even without being asked just because they know it's the right thing to do. Yet they don't.

So self, this goes out to you:

Stop being such a crazy psychotic bitch!
Stop getting mad at your girls!
Stop feeling sorry for your stupid self!
You're the mom & it's your job to do what you're doing!

Their Modeling Debut

It's official.

Princess & Monkey had their official modeling debut this weekend! Lots of thanks to Mrs. U (a wonderful teacher at their school) who invited them to do this.

They got to pick out 3 outfits from this department store. What-Ever they wanted!!! Sounded like a shopping spree to them so they were ecstatic! (I would have been ecstatic if they would have been able to keep the clothes after having modeled them, but no. We just got a 40% discount if we wanted to buy them. HELL NO! Too expensive. I'll just wait for those 50% off sales, teehee)

Well my girls were in HEAVEN! Not only did they choose their own cool clothes, they got their make-up done by the cosmetic department ladies. And I applaud them. They did a very good job. I'll admit, when I heard they were getting their make-up done, I was very apprehensive. My 9 & 7 year old girls aren't even allowed to paint their nails! Not their hands, not their toes! That's how big of a prude me & hubby are. So having them wear actual make-up in public and it's not even halloween, uh... not so sure about that. But those sweet ladies did a very good job. The make-up was some powder for the shine, some very light, light blush & 1 coat of mascara to make their eyes pop. That's it. Didn't make them look like mini adults at all. Just enhance their natural beauty. Not my cup of tea on such young girls, but not too, too bad. (btw, my girls are gorgeous enough already but damm!!! With just 1 coat of mascara they both looked absolutely. drop-dead gorgeous!!! I wish I had their eyelashes. I have to curl & curl & never get those results! )

So I went out and bought the girls some earings & gave that to them as a little gift on their special modeling-debut day! They were ecstatic (as i've already mentioned a gazillion times. I've gotta learn me a word other than ecstatic. thesaurus.com here I come) So out they come & they strut their stuff, just like the girls on America's Next Top Model.... Which they looooooooooove to see. My girls worked the runway, uhhhhhhhhh-huh! Which brings me to my next point:
I HATE MY CAMERA!!! (Good thing I had hubby videotaping or we wouldn't have had any actual proof of their debut.) Everytime I'd snap a picture, as they were at the end of the runway facing me, the stupid little thing would take a 1-2 seconds to stabilize and them actually click the pic. Well, by that time all I'd get was the back of the girl's heads while they were walking back!!! WTF! My camera's sooooooo slow. Ok, so let's try another thing. I started snapping BEFORE they hit the end of the runway, that way once the 1-2 seconds passed, I'd still get the front of their face, not the back...... Ughhhhhhhh! Well, apparently my camera doesn't do too good with moving objects either. Running, jumping, doing cartwheels... those type of movements I understand. But walking down a runway?!?!?! All I got was blurry girls. Ugghhh! Forget the picture taking, so I just switched it to movie mode. Took video with the camera, took pictures later. When they were nice & still. Sucks though! Wouldn't you expect more from an almost $200 camera? Although, it might have something to do with all those times I dropped it, not sure.

So anyways, my girls modeling debut came & went. It was practically their dream come true! And on top of that, they also got a ceritificate, a picture frame (to put the pic of the back of their head, lol), a gift card to chick-fil-a & a webkinz doll. That was very nice. So when they get home I have to have them work on their 'Thank You cards'..... And no, I'm not that polite! Puh-leez! The wonderful Mrs. U actually sent them home with a flyer yesterday asking them to write one for all the great people that made the event possible, let them participate & gave them all the free stuff. Only fair. I agree! That's the least we could do for them making my little girl's dream a reality. Should I also start shopping there? Nah! Too expensive. Maybe once the girls hit it big & actually get paid for living their dream, maybe then we can afford to shop at these places on the days they're not having sales. Maybe.......... not making any promises.

Well, this Wanna-be Stage-Mom is signing off ! Gotta go find my girls new gigs.....

(kidding!)

Keep Your Hormones under Control Boys

So picture this.
My cell phone rings.
I answer,

Me: "Hello?"

Other Voice: "Hello. Is this Monkey?"

Me: "No. This is Monkey's Mother. Did you want to talk to Monkey?"

Other Voice: "Yes"

Me: "Ok. Well who is this?"

Other Voice: "This is so&so, a BOY friend"

Me: ( very startled that a cootie filled, hormonal little BOY is calling my sweet, innocent 9 year old little GIRL) "Who?" I ask again, because of course my ears were obviously deceaving me! No boy is calling my girl, right?

Other Voice: "My name is So&So. Remember me?... you've seen me walking home from school. You know, the one that's waving his hands up & down like a bird all the way home"

Me: I chuckle. Hearing him tell the story seems much funnier to me, so I chuckle. Yeah. I know who this little twirp is. This is that weird little boy. Monkey and I talk about him while driving home. She must have told him we do, otherwise how would he know that I know of his existence. Little weirdo. So after I stopped chuckling at the mental picture he conjured up in my head, I answered "Um, yes... she's here. Hold on just a sec..."

So I call my daughter and pass her the phone.
However, she is soooooooo not allowed to talk to cootie filled, hormonal little boys, but me always wanting to give others the benefit of the doubt so I just figured it had something to do with school. You know, there is a science fair coming up & they were set up with partners, so maybe it's about that.

So Monkey gets the phone. She looks even MORE perplexed than I was. And she was scared. I could so tell she was shitting bricks, because I was of course listening to every single word of their 20-second conversation. She knows how I feel about boys liking girls at this age. It is completely unacceptable. Boys have cooties and she should stay as far away from them as humanly possible. Granted, 1 of her best friends is a boy. But there's none of that liking shit. Seriously just friends.

Ok, so on with this cootie filled, hormonal little boy's conversation with my daughter.
It was pretty much who is this?
How did you get my number?
What do you want?
(what a polite daughter I have, huh? Imagine calling someone & they answer you with a 'what do you want?' 'why are you calling me?' kind of shit)

Once she got to the "What do you want?" part and I heard it had NOTHING to do with school, just because, that is when I yanked the phone from her hand so hard that I think she has a bruise as a result. Nah! Just kidding. My baby's so good, she herself handed me the phone and then I continued the conversation with said cootie filled, hormonal little boy.

Me: "So&So. This is Monkey's mother again. Listen. She's not allowed to talk to cootie filled, hormonal little boys like you on the phone at all. I just handed her the phone because I thought this was school related. And since it's not..."

So&So: " Oh. Yes. I understand. ok"

Me: "Ok then. She'll see you at school tomorrow. But no more calling her on the phone." Or I'll sick my rabies-filled dog on you. Or better yet, my husband owns a gun & he's not afraid to use it!

No, I didn't say those last 2 sentences, although I was tempted. =D That would teach him not to call my sweet & innocent little Monkey again. Ever!

Seriously though, where are these kids' mothers? Do they not have any idea what their child is doing? Or do they & they just don't care? Or am I overreacting? If anybody thinks yes, forget you! I don't care. I'm the momma and I'ma protect my young.

No cootie filled, hormonal little boys are allowed anywhere near my precious little daughters! Is that loud and clear for ya? You CANNOT call my house. You CANNOT call my cell phone. You CANNOT come over to my house. You CANNOT cruise by my house. You CANNOT so much as even look at my house. You CANNOT even think of anything else that would remotely involve either of my 2 little girls.

Did I make myself clear? Or do I have to sick Daddy & his rifle on your little ass?

WANTED

A View of The Floor of My Daughter's Bedroom

If anybody out there has any idea as to how this can be accomplished
WITHOUT screaming,
WITHOUT swearing,
WITHOUT threats,
WITHOUT having to promise everything under the moon,
WITHOUT bribing,
WITHOUT begging,
WITHOUT crying,
WITHOUT complaining,
WITHOUT excuses,
WITHOUT whining,
WITHOUT fighting,
WITHOUT me having to do it,
then please, please, please, I am begging you, let me know.
(oh goodness gracious... see? we haven't even started and I already broke 1 of the rules of what I did not want, begging! and I already did it)

Can you now see how I seriously need help?
Make that my daughters' need help! 'cause after all I just close the door and let them be.
They shall live in the pig sty, not I.
But I'm tired of letting them live like farm animals. I am NOT a farmer! I do NOT wear overalls, ever! And I'm tired of my kids' farm animal ways of living.